Mr. Pither

Anyone who's watched Month Python should recognize the character of Mr. Pither. For some reason this afternoon I googled one of my favorite lines from that skit. And I got a link to this incredible site: http://www.ibras.dk/montypython/justthewords.htm

It has the words to all of the episodes and as the splash pages states:

The complete unexpurgated scripts of the original TV series

(except for the animation bits)

In gloriuos colour-coded HTML format

Here some of my favorite lines:

Pither	(voice over) April 26th. Thrown into Russian cell. Severely damaged my Mars bar. Shall I ever see Bude Bus station again? (two Russian guards throw the cell door open) Oh excuse me... (they grab him and march him out of cell)
	Cut to exterior of a door leading out into prison yard. The door is thrown open and Pither is marched over and stood against a blank wall. There are lots of small holes in the wall.
Pither	(voice over) What a pleasant exercise yard. How friendly they were all being.
Officer	Cigarettes?
Pither	Oh, no thank you I don't smoke.
	Pither facing a line of uniformed men with guns, obviously a firing squad.
Pither	(voice over) After a few minutes I perceived a line of gentlemen with rifles. They were looking in my direction...(cut to Pither against the wall looking behind him) I looked around but could not see the target.
Officer	Blindfold?
Pither	(very cheerful) No thank you, no.
Officer	(stepping clear) Slowotny! (the firing squad snaps to attention) Grydenka... (they raise their rifles) Verschnitzen.
	Drum roll. The firing squad takes aim. A messenger runs frantically up.
Messenger	Nyet! Nyet! Nyet! (he hands the officer a paper)
Officer	A telegram? (examines it) From the Kremlin! The Central Committee! It says...'Carry on with the execution'. Verschnitzen... (The squad raise their rifles)
Pither	(voice over) Now I was really for it.
	Cut to shot of officer with his hand raised. The same as before, only without Pither in shot. Drum rolls again. He brings his sword down. Volley of shots from the firing squad. The officer is looking in Pither's direction. Long pause.
Officer	(to soldiers) How could you miss?
Soldier	He moved.
Officer	Shut up! Go and practise. (to Pither) I'm so sorry. Do you mind waiting in your cell?
	Pither is flung back in his cell by the guards, and the door slammed.
Pither	(voice over) What a stroke of luck. My Crunchie was totally intact. I settled down to a quick intermeal snack...
	But he is bundled out again. Pause. Shots. He si bundled in. The officer appears at door.
Officer	Next time. Definitely! (to aide) Now then, how many of them have been injured? Oh God...
Pither	(voice over) As I lay dwon to the sound of the Russian gentlemen practising their shooting, I realised I was in a bit of a pickle. My heart sank as I realised I should never see the Okehampton by-pass again...
	Mix to Pither's sleeping face, waking up, shaking himself in disbelief at finding himself in a beautiful garden, with the sun shining, the birds singing. He is in a deckchair, and his mother, having poured him a jug of iced fruit juice, is gently nudging Pither to wake him.
Mother	Come on, dear. Wake up dear.
Pither	Mother!
Mother	Come on dear.
Pither	So, it was all a dream.
Mother	No dear, this is the dream, you're still in the cell.
	Mix to Pither waking up in the cell. The officer enters carrying a rifle.

And then this:

Gulliver	(calling) Mr Pither! Mr Pither!
	He is seen running through a dockyard. Finally he stops by a high stone wall.
Gulliver	Mr Pither!
Pither's Voice	Here!
	Gulliver looks round and then rapidly climbs up and over the wall. He drops down to find Pither standing on the other side.
Pither	Gulliver.
Gulliver	Pither! What a stroke of luck.
Pither	Well yes and no.
	He indicates with his head. Cut to show that both of them are standing in front of a firing squad. The officer is heard as before. The squard runs towards them with fixed bayonets.
	CAPTION: 'SCENE MISSING'
	Cut to Cornish country lane. A road sign says 'Tavistock 12 miles'. Pither stands beneath with Gulliver and his bicycle.
Pither	Phew, what an amazing escape. Well goodbye, Reginald.
Gulliver	Goodbye, Mr Pither, and good luck with the tour!

I think I need to get the DVDs.